Kirsty Walker and TV Hard man Ross Kemp investigate the culture of knife crime in urban environments. Kirsty interviews people who have seen knives, and know about their danger whilst Ross goes undercover as a 14 year old tracksuit wearing hoodie, dealing drugs and playing loud music from his mobile phone on the busses.
Kirsty concludes that knives are the most dangerous thing in the world after nuclear weapons, whlst Ross makes a tidy fortune selling crack to old ladies. Luckily Ross is also stabbed in the eye, giving everybody in depth commenry as he awaits medical attention. Gripping.
Tonight the Nancies will be squaking out a variety of pop songs, with Collin Sell on the piano. Andrew and his fellow judges attempt to pick out the one which will best fill some overprices West End theater seats with a combination of starstruck teenies and their over-horny fathers.
The public can vote using thier tele-phones, picking the unlooserest. One will leave tomorrow in another 14 hour eye-bleedsing Graham Norton CV filler.
Captin Jack suffers a facial palsy induced by overdosing on botox, making his communication with Ian (who still insists on appending “to” to his name to attempt to appear exotic) strained.
Luckily the girl alien-crime-fighting-duo of Welsh Gwen and Toshiko are able to reanimate Captin Jack’s face with repeated application of a high-speed frying pan.
Contains flashing light, extream violence and poor depiction of emotions.
Crimefighter and buxom wench Kirsty Young defeats the entirety of Al Qaeda virtually single handedly, much to the chagrin of Abu Muhammed Ayman al-Zawahiri, what with her being a women and everything. The entire episode is re-enacted, including fabulous use of plinky-plonky piano backing track and superimposed grainy film techniques.
Nick Ross makes a guest appearance as a bank robber, caught on CCTV footage attempting to out-wit the police by dressing in women’s clothing. He is caught.
The Shuge auditions a set of quiff touting monkeys to become his whipping boy. All attempt to out do the others with feats of ignorance, lethargy, and passing of others work as their own. As a team they fail miserably to organise an evening of drinking and light entertainment is a local brewery. Shuge berates them all and has the least shit shot in front of his family with his famous phase “YOUR’E FIRED”. Guest appearance by Myleene Klass proves a disappointment.
POOR.
Tonight in Holby City, Sam looses his temper when the ER is over run by single mothers and their idiot ofspring who have injured themselves in ways which would make Darwin happy. Chrissie aids him in banging them over the head with bedpans until they all fuck off and leave the hospital to do what is does best, killing elderly ladies. Unmissable.
